The luckiest.

Life has been absolutely crazy as of late. Between school and friends and family and other obligations, I’ve just been physically and mentally drained. I tend to do this to myself a lot. Run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I just happen to have a ton of people in my life, each one just as important as the next, and am in a ridiculously intense graduate program. Dating has been put on the backburner (KIND OF) for the time being. I say kind of because I’ve possible date lined up with a friend of a friend for the coming weeks. Only problem is, he lives over two hours away and with our hectic schedules, it may be tough. But we’re going to try to get together. I’ve also casually joined a free dating site, just for fun.

There’s also my friend, we’ll call him Mr. Fun Times. Mr. Fun Times and I have, on occasion, made out (each time, with him being incredibly drunk, mind you). I call him Mr. Fun Times because he is a party guy. Always with girls around and always going out to bars and clubs. He’s been texting and calling me frequently, but then I always hear from our mutual friend that he does the same to her. I’m not interesting in DATING dating him, so I’m really not spending any time worrying or wondering about it. And if that changes, well I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose.

With the holidays coming and 2009 winding down, I’ve got to say that this has been one of the most emotionally draining years of my life. I’m not one bit sorry to see it go, but I’m also glad, in some weird way, that it happened. I can only learn from everything and hope that 2010 is a better than this year was. I caved a few weeks ago and emailed Jay. It had to be done for my own sanity. He didn’t respond, and I wasn’t really expecting him to. I just needed him to know (for some odd reason) that I care and hope everything’s going well for him. I was in love with the guy – those feelings don’t just disappear overnight, no matter how hard I tried. He’s becoming a distant memory, but it still hurts sometimes when I think about it. But then I look around at all of the beautiful, wonderful people in my life who would never do to me what he did, and think that I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

Happy holidays to those of you who celebrate. Spend it with people that make you feel like you’re the luckiest.
<3

The real thing

Lately it’s been more difficult for me to keep up with the happenings of other bloggers, but I just took a good hour break from working on a gigantic research paper, to catch up on what I’ve missed over the past month or so. I want to share a post I found on Hope dies last that really struck a chord for me. I think this is the direct link? Yes, no, maybe so?

Anyway, the post is about how us seemingly perpetual “single girls” do not merely date for the sake of dating (usually). We (many of us) are looking for the real thing. Or, as stated by Hope, the big love. I admit that I have dated people I haven’t felt a spark for in hopes that I could let it grow. That I could nurture it and keep telling myself “This is a GOOD GUY! Just stick with it. You’ll learn to love him!” But, I certainly am the type of person that can’t just date around and hop from dinner to drinks to movies to walks in the park with different men that I don’t feel that intense spark for. That sizzle. I don’t date as often as I should. But when I do, it’s because I feel something. It’s because there’s a feeling I’d like to explore. The sizzle (or possibility of a sizzle). If I don’t have that chemistry (which, many may say is inevitably the downfall of a relationship) I can’t continue. It hurts me more than it makes me feel good to at least have someone. I do like to go out and meet people. I love getting to know someone over coffee or a drink. But if I don’t feel myself wanting to reach across the table and grab the person and kiss the life out of them, chances are I don’t continue dating them. And this, my fellow singletons, might be my ultimate reason for being without a plus-one. But is that so wrong?

What’s wrong with wanting the real thing? And why should that be something that people might look down on me for? Yes, I was raised on fairy tales. I was raised to believe that love conquers all and that when the right person walks into your life, you’ll know. And, yes, I’ve been in a relationship or two where I thought I knew, but was sorely mistaken. But at least I tried, right? God, I just want the real thing. I think my karma points are currently at maximum capacity. It’s time for some goodness to come back into the love department (and I’m not talking about in the form of random makeouts as per my previous post!)

So, do you think that’s (one of) our problem(s)? If so, what the heck do we do to solve it? Or do we not? Do we keep on doing what we’re doing in hopes that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, we find that person that makes our heart all aflutter? That person that deserves our kisses?

I’m tired. It’s only 9:30 and I’m beat. It’s a sad world when you have to call it quits before 10 on a Friday. But, such is the life of a grad student. I’ll let that stew for a bit. I’m curious to see what you think..

I’ve reached a new low. Or high?

Kissed five boys. In one night. In a four hour period.

Makeout slut? Methinks so.

Birthday punches.

I love birthdays. I’m not one of those people who get sad about turning a year older. I dress up and invite everyone I’ve ever met in my life out for a night of shenanigans and laugh my cares away. This year was no different. My birthday just passed. I’m now officially in my mid-twenties. I spent the night with lovely company and had a wonderful time without getting a lick drunk. Lately, I just haven’t really been interested in partaking in any activities which would result in binge eating, headaches and nausea. I’ve recently realized that I can have just as much fun, minus the calories and possible beer goggles, without drinking as I can with.

A few hours into the night my friend pulled me aside to let me know that Dave was on his way. Although I didn’t personally invite him, it was a bar and anyone was free to come. I tried not to think about it, but was anxious to see how the rest of the night would play out. When he did show up, I gave him a hug and then avoided him by playing hostess for awhile. I finally decided that sucking it up would be the best choice, so I walked over and made meaningless conversation for a few minutes. It sucks to be faced with someone you flat out rejected. I felt awkward to say the least. And he wasn’t exactly Mr. Talkative – in fact he was pretty much nonverbal for most of our “conversation” for lack of a better word. There’s no doubt in my mind that not pursuing things with him was the right decision, but I still felt bad.

The rest of the evening went off without a hitch. Everyone had a nice time and I am now able to say that I can rent a car.
Woohoo!

I’m also still able to say that I’m single.
Woohoo??

So I lied.

I sent you a message today “checking in.”
I told you I wished you all of the best and that I hoped life was treating you well.
I said all of those cliche things that you say when all you really want to say is I MISS YOU, IDIOT.
I don’t think you’ll respond, but I needed to do it.
I needed you to know that I don’t hate you.
Not even a little bit.
You’ll always be that one for me.
And you know what?
I’m kind of OK with it.
You’re quite amazing.
Except for the whole fact that you broke my heart.
But, really, whose to say yours didn’t get broken right along with it?
I guess I’ll never know.
But at least now you know I’ll always be there if you need me.
And that’s really all I wanted.
I’ve gotten my closure, even if you don’t give me yours.
I can finally breathe.

The roads we take.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost

I am not exactly Miss Conventional when it comes to lifestyle. I’m in my mid-twenties, live with my parents, have no intention of moving out for at least another year and a half, am single with no prospects on the horizon, am still in graduate school…the list goes on and on. Sure, some people I graduated high school with are married with child(ren), have mortgages and minivans, salaries and 401k’s. And, yes, I’m fairly certain that these same people are very content with how their lives are panning out. But, does that mean that because I am not currently in the same situation, I am not content with my life?

Oh, quite the contrary.

I’m starting to realize that happiness does not have to mean a white picket fence, hard-working hubby, two kids and a dog. I think that I’ve always known that, but it’s taken me awhile to realize it fully. For instance, I have several family members who’ve never married. One spends her life working to travel – seeing more of the world than I could ever hope to. Meeting people from all walks of life along her way. Sometimes staying with them during her travels. She had a child in her late thirties and is homeschooling her son. This is her idea of happiness. Another spends his days collecting comic books, re-watching his favorite sci-fi movies and going to conventions. To him, this is life. And it’s wonderful. I have family members that are married with children and blissfully happy. I have family members who are married with children and seem to resent them. I have friends who got married at 22, and friends who are 40 who have yet to meet someone they’d like to settle down with.

I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drummer. I’ve never felt pressure to be a certain way, say or do something just because everyone else is. And just because I’m not currently looking for my future husband, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to settle down….someday. I do. Eventually. When the time and person are right. But I also refuse to regret not taking advantage of everything life has to offer someone like me – young, happily unattached…a sponge wanting to soak up the world.

Someday maybe I will have that house, that husband, those kids, that dog. But if I don’t? I’m starting to realize that’s OK too. I’ve got friends that mean the world to me, a family that sticks together through everything, millions of places I have yet to see and more things I want to do in my life than I’ll ever have time for.

So, for now…forever…the road I take?

Happiness.

Progress.

If I saw you in the street, I’m fairly certain I’d run the other way.

Fessing up again.

Admission number 2: I’m jaded.

Every time I hear about another drama-filled “relationship” one of my friends are in, or each time I get “love advice” from a guy in my life, which always includes them saying “yeah, I know, guys are douce bags,” I become more and more weary. At this rate, my pessimism about relationships is just getting scary. I know there are things that have happened in my past (and even WAY WAY past, which I will not post here because it’s just way too personal and hard to talk about) that have made me scared to open myself up to someone. To truly let someone in and care about them. But I’ve done it on an occasion or two – each time, with my heart battered and bruised.

I haven’t met someone new yet who I’m interested in enough to give it a go, but I hope that when I do, I won’t run away. I won’t let the past come back to haunt me. But I think that I might.

How do I fix that fear? How do I let myself be open enough, but still keep my heart guarded? Or is that the point? To keep letting down your walls, hoping that, one day, one of these guys won’t crush my heart? I have very little faith in love at the moment. Even though I know several of my friends in loving relationships, I just can’t see that happening to me. All of the good ones are taken. And rightfully so. There’s no one good left out there.

So, yeah, as you can see…

I’m jaded.

*Edit: I get quote emails every morning…today’s kinda hits the nail on the head in terms of how I’m feeling.

…has some sort of disease where you hallucinate & start to not believe in love, but after a year or two, or even sometimes ten or twenty, it cures itself & all that’s left are a few little red spots that twinge & ache whenever you get too near someone else that has the disease & it’s all you can do to stop from reaching out & holding them close.

I hope that “year or two” is up soon. This negativity is giving me a headache.

There, I said it.

I’m horny.

Phew.

That feels better.

I’ve been sexually frustrated for months now. Ever since he walked out of my life.

I wish I could be the type of girl to just find someone, anyone, anywhere to have some fun with.

But noooooo, I have to be choosy and have morals and standards. I have to have butterflies and feel that spark. That energy. That chemistry. The fact that I’m picky is making me feel really bad for my lady parts.

I’m sorry, lady parts. The rabbit’s going to have to hold you over for now.

What “soul mates” leave behind.

I was sitting in *D’s room a few nights ago, having one of our now routine man talks. For some reason, I am much better at giving advice about the opposite sex than I am at taking it. Anyway, we got onto the topic of soul mates. What is a soul mate, really? Do they even exist? Is there honestly someone who is perfect for you in every way?

I blurted out an explanation – part of a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love.

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake…they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”

Now, I’m a poet at heart. I’m romantic and cheesy and have no problem admitting so. So, when I read that, I found it to be really powerful. It struck a chord with me. All this time, I’d been thinking that guys who had left me couldn’t have been my soul mates – even though it made me question everything about my judgment. If I was so sure about them in the beginning and they could treat me so poorly, how would I ever find Mr. Right? So, reading this rung true with me.

Since the whole *Jay fiasco of 08-09 (and former “relationships” for lack of a better term), I have changed. I learned that I have the ability to love someone with my whole heart. Unconditionally. Even when they are snoring like a freight train or stink up the bathroom. I also found that I would not die if this person broke me apart (this was a shock to me, as I remember telling myself that if I “fucked this up” I don’t know how I could survive). I realized that I am completely confident and happy with my single status, while, at the same time, I found that I enjoy the feeling of being in a relationship. I now completely understand that people tell you what they think you want to hear. However, I will never for the life of me, fully comprehend why.

Was I “smacked awake?” In a sense, yes. The most important lesson I’ve learned these past eight months, is that I am currently in love with someone. This person is stronger than they think they are. They are much smarter than they give themselves credit for. They are silly and a bit reckless. They are a free spirit. They are picky and a bit jaded. But, they’d never, ever intentionally break someone’s heart.

This person I’m in love with?

This person is me.